As parents, our greatest wish in life is for our children to grow up to be healthy, rational, and well-behaved individuals. Even after all the arguing, the eye rolls, and the back talk, we still love them unconditionally. We care about their future, and we want them to be safe. As much as we would like to be able to make their decisions for them, we have to accept the fact that we can only manage so much–and more importantly, that we are all only human.
So, what exactly is poor decision making? Well, it can range from minor deviances to radical behavior. For example, wearing inappropriate clothing to school, or damaging property, and using illegal substances. While the “offenses” may seem worlds apart, in either scenario you might find a common cause. Before we get into the various reasons for your child making poor choices, let’s address a rather significant one: biology.
Naturally, when we learn of our children’s bad behavior, we tend to take it very personally. Questions like “What did I do wrong?” and “Am I a bad parent?” might pop into your mind. First, take a step back and realize that there is concrete biological evidence behind your teen’s behavior. In fact, according to science, a child’s brain doesn’t fully develop until early adulthood–even up until their early 20’s! This means the parts of the brain that control decision-making isn’t necessarily polished, and so understanding the consequences of actions can be a blurry concept to your teen.
Science aside, keep in mind that there is also a big difference between “know” and “do.” Most children have a sense of right and wrong. Your teen may know that cheating on a test is a bad idea, but may see friends doing it and feel pressured to partake. Maybe your child knows that cheating in school is wrong, but gives answers to a classmate because they feel the need to be accepted and liked. It may sound silly to us as adults, but don’t you remember being a kid? Making friends and feeling included was as important as eating food!
Then there are some specific cases that can manifest into poor decision-making. For example, your child may be holding onto deep resentment–and you could be completely unaware of it! This is a parent’s worst nightmare, especially if you were under the perception that your bond was solid. Remember that kids often feel misunderstood, like no one understands all the emotions they feel. Because of this, they might not talk to you about how upset they actually are. Maybe you yelled at them for coming home 10 minutes past curfew. What was a normal disciplinary scolding to you, might have been hurtful to them. Maybe they were actually looking for a reaction, or maybe they tried to make it home on time but something out of their control happened. Or, maybe they were just late.
Let’s dive a little deeper into “looking for a reaction.” This is a very common reason for teenagers acting out and can occur for a variety of reasons. Maybe there is some sibling rivalry taking place and you don’t notice (you’re paying attention to one child more, or you put the other child on a pedestal). Do you work late nights? Are you always on the phone or out with your adult friends, spending very little time with your child? If so, this could be a reason for the “lashing out.” Sometimes, teens don’t know how to communicate they need attention, so they do what they know will grab yours. If the resentment has gone on for some time, your child may even be in revenge with you–and no parent wants that. This means that your child is hurt and angry with you, and instead of coming to you and letting you know, they are acting out in ways that they are aware will get under your skin.
Whether it’s for reaction or revenge, something is evident: there is a clear disconnect between you and your child. That kind of disconnect can be very damaging, especially if your child actually wants to have a relationship with you. The disconnect could be a result of feelings of abandonment–which is often due to infrequent bonding time, an absent parent, or even an alienated parent (where one parent pits the children against the other parent).
There are also cases where a child is pampered. Pampering refers to a child being coddled, getting what they want when they want, and not having clear boundaries or rules in the house. Sounds like the ideal teenager life! However, it’s far from it. Not only does coddling induce dependability, but it also inhibits self-advocacy. More importantly, your child may act out to get you to set boundaries. You heard right, your child may want clear boundaries in the household. You see, when there are no boundaries, your teen may feel that you simply do not care about them or what they do. Parenting is no easy feat, and we often learn along the way. Finding the right balance between boundaries and not suffocating your teen either will take some time and trial and error!
Of course, there are other factors like being bullied by classmates or feeling overpowered at home–maybe even by you, the parent. The effects of bullying are far-reaching and can be devastating. When bullying occurs during the very important identity-building period in a teen’s life, it can cause a wide range of undesirable feelings and consequences. Your child may feel hurt, misunderstood, low self-esteem, and embarrassed. If they come home to a parent who consistently overpowers them, it’s just adding fuel to the fire that is already building up inside your child.
So, how do we fix poor decision-making?
The truth is, we can’t fix what our teens have already done, but we can do something moving forward to equip our teens with the skills necessary to make better decisions in the future. Remember that they will continue to make mistakes, just like parents make mistakes too. What we can do is make sure they know we are here for them, that we are friends, not foes.
- Mend your relationship with your child. If you suspect a disconnect with your teen is at the root of the poor decision-making, reconnect with them! Not only is this crucial for the mental and physical well-being of your child, but it is also important for you. Having a healthy bond with our children can have long-lasting positive effects.
- Spend more time with your teen. Yes, life can get busy, and usually as teenagers, the last thing they want to do is spend time with their parents. That doesn’t mean you shouldn’t try. For example, dedicate a night for watching movies with the family, introduce a family trivia night into your routine, ask your teen if they want to go to the mall or get lunch. They might appreciate it more than you know, and more than they will let you know!
- Validate their feelings. Have you ever been in a situation where you were deeply upset but someone refused to acknowledge how you feel? It can be very painful. It can also make you more defensive. Always remember to validate your teen’s feelings, especially when they are warranted. What might not hurt you, might hurt them.
- When you’re wrong, admit you’re wrong. It can be quite frustrating talking to someone who always thinks they are in the right, and your teen can feel this. Acknowledging your shortcomings as a parent not only helps YOU grow, but it also allows you to level with your teen. They will feel more comfortable coming to you because they know you are capable of meeting in the middle. It also sets a good example!
- Empathize with your child. This doesn’t just mean saying “Oh, I’m so sorry for you.” It means putting yourself in their shoes. You were a teen once too, so you must understand to some degree the different emotions your child has felt at one point or another.
- Be approachable. You are more likely to find out about a poor decision your child has made from other sources if you are not open to dialogue with your teen. The more comfortable your teen feels coming to you first, the faster you can get down to the root of the problem and the solution. That does not mean you aren’t entitled to be mad. That is a natural feeling, and our teens should be aware of the consequences of their decisions. However, do not go overboard, refrain from name-calling, and if you need to, take a step back, collect your thoughts and emotions, and revisit the situation and talk to your child at a later time. Trust me, it will benefit both you and your teen.
- DO NOT TAKE IT PERSONALLY. I cannot express this enough. It is easier said than done, but before you do, remember everything discussed in this blog post. More often than not, our teens are not trying to directly hurt us. They are simply trying to navigate their way through life, experiencing a multitude of emotions, and figure out who they are as a person. Our job is to give them the love, support, and nourishment needed so that hopefully in the future, they will be equipped to make the best decisions.
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As always, if you need more information on how to enforce teamwork in your household, visit www.coachred1.com to schedule a FREE consultation. We will take you through the steps needed to raise happy, healthy, and compassionate children.
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