Scenario 1: You get home from grocery shopping, park your car, and pop open the trunk full of plastic bags. You carry what you can inside and ask your daughter to help you bring in the rest. Instead of “Sure, I’m on it!” you hear, “I’d rather not.”
Scenario 2: You just got your son’s report card and aren’t pleased with what you see. When you approach him, it turns into a full-blown argument. You declare it is unacceptable, and he replies with “I don’t care!”
In either case, both responses stir up some very unpleasant feelings for parents. Of course, your initial instinct is to react by becoming angry and wanting to rectify the situation. After all, you didn’t raise your child with the proper manners only to become a victim of attitude! While it may seem like an unavoidable situation (especially in the teen years), there are ways to effectively handle the “back talk”.
- Try to understand why the “back talk” is happening in the first place. Kids often use “back talk” not to intentionally be disrespectful, but to express how they are feeling at a certain time. For example, when they are tired, sick, or hungry–these are all scenarios that can make your child more sensitive and stressed out. In this case, we suggest attending to their physical needs as soon as you can, and then revisit the topic of “back talk” at a more relaxed time.
Believe it or not, “back talk” can sometimes stem from something parents aren’t doing. That’s right–we could be the culprit! When children feel they aren’t spending enough quality time with their parents, or feeling ignored, it is very common for them to “act out.” If you suspect this might be the case, take some time to bond with your kid and do something that will help them feel noticed and appreciated. There are so many options to choose from: watch a movie, read a book together, ask about their day, get some ice cream, take a walk, drive them to their friends, visit a local attraction. Remember to tell them that if they are feeling left out, they can come to you and communicate this instead of acting disrespectful. Your children should always feel comfortable bringing topics to your attention.
As human beings, it is not only normal but quite inevitable to feel emotion. Some people think with their heads, and some with their hearts–the same way some children are more sensitive than others. The act of expressing emotion is crucial in child development. In fact, children who are not allowed or not taught how to express their negative emotions in a reasonable way are often more likely to become more irritable and introverted. Saying how you feel is not only necessary but healthy. It’s all about the manner in which your child expresses his or herself.
Make sure your child doesn’t feel silenced, and that their opinion is welcomed– as long as it’s respectful. For example, allow your child to say “I am angry with you.” As long as there is no name-calling or “back talk,” it can help to acknowledge their feelings and make them feel validated. The truth is, there is no such thing as perfect parenthood, or our children getting along with us 100% of the time. The best thing you can do is find strategies that work best for you and your family.
Now, if the “back talk” you are receiving is unrelated to any of the above reasons, you might have to take a different course of action.
- Have a plan and follow-through. As mentioned above, your first instinct might be to react (get angry, yell back, etc). However, reciprocating “back talk” doesn’t do anything except make matters worse–and set a bad example. Instead, try removing yourself from the situation. If you are being spoken to in a disrespectful manner, reply with “I won’t tolerate being disrespected. When you’re ready to talk in a calmer tone, you can try again, and then I will listen.” Make it clear that unless they change their attitude/tone, you will pay zero attention to it. This same phrase applies to a variety of scenarios–whether you’re on the phone or even in the car. Hang up or pull over until an apology is issued or the tone is altered. If not, do exactly as you said you would–don’t engage and bring them home until they are ready to be mature about the situation.
Keep in mind not to use vengeful language, as this will only escalate the situation. As much as you may want to, do not call them names like “brat” or ungrateful.” Your focus should be on the solution. Heard of the saying, “it takes two to tango?” While one person can start an argument, it can easily get out of hand, involving both parties. To avoid this, remove yourself from the argument–even if that means going into your room and shutting the door. There is always a better time to revisit. Also, be prepared as things may get worse. Change can be a good thing–but not to everyone, and not right away. There will be an adjustment period and it’s important not to get discouraged. Stick to your guns. The best kind of education often involves repetition!
All in all, parents won’t be able to completely eradicate “back talk.” As unpleasant as it is, it is quite normal and we’ve all been there. Yet, disrespect should not be tolerated and clear lines should be drawn within the household.
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As always, if you need more information on how to enforce teamwork in your household, visit www.coachred1.com to schedule a FREE consultation. We will take you through the steps needed to raise happy, healthy, and compassionate children.
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