Recently, I recorded an interview in which I spoke with Caroline, founder of Declutter Your Life with Caroline. Much like my line of work, Caroline provides mentorship for people who are struggling to move past certain traumatizing situations in their lives. Our topic of discussion was one very familiar to Caroline: parental alienation. This traumatizing experience happens to parents far too often and can cause seriously detrimental effects on both the mental health of a parent and their relationship with their children.
What is parental alienation?
Parental alienation, in simple terms, occurs when one parent tries to turn their children against the other parent. That is, a parent who holds resentment towards their spouse or ex-spouse purposely speak negatively about the other parent in front of the child in an attempt to seem like the better parent, while also severely damaging the child’s relationship with the parent who is being alienated.
In more complex terms, according to the work of Dr. Craig Childress, “parental alienation is first and foremost an attachment-based trauma. Attachment-based parental alienation is essentially a role reversal of a normal, healthy parent-child relationship. Instead of serving as a “regulatory other,” which involves providing stability and meeting the child’s emotional and psychological needs, alienating parents use their children to meet their own needs, violating boundaries and seriously compromising and damaging the child’s healthy development (Psychology Today, 2017).
How can a parent of right mind possibly do something so damaging?
Usually, the alienating parent is not of right mind. The process of parental alienation typically comes about when a parent harbors contempt, and all the behavior that follows contributes to ultimately alienating the victimized parent. Interestingly enough, most parents who engage in this kind of behavior have some type of personality disorder and are often borderline or full-on narcissistic. These individuals are skilled in the art of adversarial combat, and often need the attention focused solely on them. Furthermore, they know how to manipulate to their advantage–and to the devastation of the alienated parent.
What kind of behavior is involved in parental alienation? How can I tell if it’s happening to me?
Parental alienation is not always a blatant process. In fact, it can start off very subtly, with small negative remarks about the other parent. For example, “Your mother/father didn’t pick you up from practice because they don’t care. I, on the other hand, would never do that” or, more obvious, “Your mother/father is an incompetent parent, I don’t want you spending time around
them.” The alienating parent may even make up lies or excuses to keep the alienated parent at a distance– especially if there is a co-parenting situation involved. For example, “Dylan has a test tomorrow, so he wants to stay here and study.” Lastly, parental alienation can take more flagrant forms: demeaning, belittling, berating, blaming, etc. In almost all cases, the constant negative remarks lead the child to outwardly express discontent. This means the child explicitly tells the alienated parent they don’t wish to see them anymore (and they may not say it nicely).
Parents, remember: words are not just words-- especially when it comes to younger children. Our kids look up to us and often mimic our verbal and nonverbal behaviors. This kind of targeting behavior is not only destructive to a child’s relationship with a parent, but also to their development and interaction with others as they become adults.
Nothing can describe how an alienated parent feels during this experience. Defensive, defeated, heart-broken: all words that accurately sum up the traumatizing nature of parental alienation. However, it also affects children.
How will my child be affected by parental alienation?
The effects of parental alienation are in fact so toxic that it is considered a form of domestic child abuse. How? It is deliberate manipulation of a child’s mind–and attaching to a parent under such negative circumstances (to bully the other parent) is abusive in itself. Parental alienation is like creating small tears in a piece of thread each day at a time; one day the thread will break. It involves weakening parental bonds that are absolutely necessary for healthy child development. Moreover, it teaches unpleasant habits such as name-calling, refusing to take accountability, stonewalling, holding grudges, and ultimately bullying. The child might know deep down inside that it is wrong, but instead, they cling to the alienating parent out of fear, validation, and the fact that they need to be supported. They are aware they need food, education, and a roof over their heads, consequently siding with the alienating parent, as they are often a stronger force.
What can I do?
Sadly, while parental alienation is considered an offense, little is done to help parents who have fallen victim to this kind of trauma. Usually, the process is a complex combination of agonizing pain, frequent visits with lawyers, and court dates. Naturally, an alienated parent’s first instinct is to reach out to their children and rectify the situation. Unfortunately, this is not always effective and largely depends on the stage of the alienation. Most of the time, it has gone on for too long and reaching out too soon can do more damage than good. In turn, this rejection from the child has profoundly negative effects on the parent, causing grief and hopelessness. Keep these points in mind:
- Don’t give up and don’t feel disheartened. The process of mending a broken relationship can take a long time–and a lot of effort. Be patient!
- Table your emotions. We know this is the most difficult thing to do. Instead of losing control, take a deep breath and practice remaining calm. Be proactive, not reactive! Release your deep-rooted feelings in a healthy environment: around close friends, supportive family members, or in a therapist’s office.
- If you can (and if it’s appropriate) address what is untrue. This does not have to involve negative remarks or playing the blame game. Remember: some things are better left alone.
- Encourage, not force, direct contact with your child. Understand they may not be ready–and usually do not know what is going on or why they are alienating you in the first place. This is a process of deliberate manipulation–and they are also victims. It may take months, it may take years to revitalize the bond.
- If you feel threatened, or if you can’t interact with the alienating parent by yourself, consider involving a mediator.
More than anything, know that YOU ARE NOT ALONE. In an ideal world, parental alienation wouldn’t even be a concept. But we are naturally flawed and all we can do is our best–with parenting, with our social and professional lives, with ourselves.
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As always, if you need more information on how to enforce teamwork in your household, visit www.coachred1.com to schedule a FREE consultation. We will take you through the steps needed to raise happy, healthy, and compassionate children.
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