When a couple makes the decision to file for divorce, it is often a highly stressful period for everyone involved–especially children. As adults, we are (for the most part) able to understand and accept the reasons for this life-altering option, but we cannot say the same for our kids.
When a child learns of divorce, it is usually a traumatizing revelation, and because of this, parents must know how to be prepared for not only the announcement itself but the aftermath.
In this blog post, I will share a few Coach Red tips on how to talk to your children about divorce. Firstly, you must fully accept the decision you are making in the first place. It is true, no relationship is perfect, and nor is any marriage.
Some turn out to be toxic, some couples fall out of love, or maybe got married for the wrong reasons–it’s just the way this life works sometimes. The reality of many situations is that most couples who probably should benefit from a divorce stay together for the sake of their children–mainly, out of guilt.
This is completely natural and a very common belief. The whole conception of a family, after all, is that you stick together. When things begin to fall apart, it can be a scary and taxing feeling.
The truth is, remaining together for the benefit of your children is not always the answer. In fact, it can do more harm than good.
Remember that you set examples for your children; they look up to you from the minute they are brought into this world. They learn how to treat others, and their future partners, by observing you. If a couple is not happy–toxic even–your children will feel this and it will affect them. It is absolutely normal and understandable to feel the emotions of guilt, but you have to stay strong for your child.
You’ve made your decision, now your job is to focus on their mental state throughout the process. There is no easy way to talk about divorce, and more than likely your child/children will feel upset and confused–again, completely natural! However, there are ways to make it a smoother transition.
- Make sure to tell your child’s teachers the day before you intend on breaking the news. This way, if there are any behavioral changes, they will be prepared to handle them. It’s also a good idea to reach out to the school’s guidance counselor–if one is present.
- Tell the whole family, together. That’s right–both parents and all children should be involved in the discussion. When you stand united, you show them that is a decision you made as a couple–and that instead of keeping things from them, you want them to feel included.
- Reiterate that this is an adult decision that has nothing to do with them. Children often blame themselves for their parent’s divorce, which is incredibly detrimental to their state of mind and can influence future behavioral actions. Let them know they are loved dearly, and that they will still see each parent. You don’t want them to feel like their parents are being taken away from them.
- While there is no perfect time to tell your children, I would advise discussing it at the beginning of the weekend, that way there are a couple of days for asking questions and expressing feelings. Just because they are children does not mean they don’t need time to sit with the news and let it sink in.
- Be prepared. Of course, you will need to expect different reactions to arise. There might be crying, yelling, anger, or fear. Practice how you will react to these situations and what you will say to console and explain.
- ALWAYS be open and loving. Let your children know that they can come to you with any concerns or fears they may have. They should feel safe in expressing their emotions and loved–no matter what.
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As always, if you need more information on how to enforce teamwork in your household, visit www.coachred1.com to schedule a FREE consultation. We will take you through the steps needed to raise happy, healthy, and compassionate children.
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