In an ideal world, co-parenting would be an easy and peaceful process. However, this is the real world, where people do not always get along, ideas and beliefs clash, and words are spoken in the heat of the moment. As inherently imperfect beings, we sometimes forget to “take the higher road,” and react instead of respond. Or, we simply don’t know how to handle a seemingly irreparable situation that can actually be fixed. I was married for thirteen years to my former partner, Andrew Strauss, and had two lovely daughters.
When we decided to separate, I knew it was going to be a transition. However, through communication, effort, and cooperation, we made the process work for the sake of our daughters–and are still friendly with each other to this day.
There is no doubt that a solid family foundation is absolutely crucial to the well-being of our children. This is why making sure you take the right steps towards effective co-parenting is critical. We understand that relationships can be challenging. Some are toxic, and ending it is healthier than dragging it on and potentially affecting your children.
Sometimes feelings just shift over time, arguments ensue and people grow apart. No matter the reason for your decision to separate, as parents, you brought your child into this world, and their mental and physical health is your top priority. Of course, co-parenting is certainly not always a smooth-sailing ride. It takes a lot of work and sacrifice, but as long as you are willing to put any disagreements aside—you can make sure your children are getting the best out of you in the situation.
First, table your own emotions and do what is best for your children. It is perfectly normal to feel angry or sad. Your feelings are yours and valid. However, it is imperative that you learn how to separate emotion from behavior. This might be the most difficult part of co-parenting. As humans, we are naturally emotive.
However, this isn’t all about your feelings. It’s about your child’s overall happiness, emotional stability, and future. With this kind of thinking, it should be easier to stay focused on your child and their needs. When you need to let your emotions out and get things off your chest, confide in a friend, or seek advice from a therapist. It’s ok to not be ok– just make sure you do something about it, without using your children.
That being said, do not ever rely on your child to carry the burden of your emotions. As mentioned, it’s good to feel, but try not to do it in front of your kids. In other words, keep them to yourself. They are your issues, not your child’s. If you must, speak amongst each other, but always away from your child’s ears.
Don’t talk poorly of the mother or father of your child, as this puts your children in a very uncomfortable position. Your kids are not your messengers and they should not have to feel like they are stuck in the middle of a family feud. Don’t ever make them feel like they have to “pick a side.” Co-parenting is not a competition, it’s a process towards peace and harmony.
At some point, you will have to realize that as long as you are fighting or acting bitter towards your ex-partner, progress, if any, will be slow coming. Trying to improve communication with them is one of the most important steps of co- parenting. Approach your ex with some ideas and communication strategies you feel would be beneficial (this can be done through writing or in person, depending on your situation). You don’t have to appease and you don’t have to be argumentative. Communicate with respect and total neutrality.
You don’t have to be best friends to practice being civil. Keep in mind that children often imitate their parents’ behavior. If they see you giving your partner the cold shoulder or raising your voice, they might behave in the same manner. So, pause before you speak.
Listening is an important part of communicating. When either of you is talking, don’t interrupt and let them say what they have to. Try to avoid non-verbal gestures that might be perceived as disrespectful, ie. rolling your eyes, frowning, pointing your fingers. Instead of demanding, make requests such as “Would you be willing to….” or “Can you try…” as these kinds of phrases are better received and help towards a win/win negotiation.
The topic of conversation should be your child–not your emotions, not the events that occurred between you in the past. Stay child-focused. Set boundaries and guidelines while you interact: no yelling, no condescending remarks, etc. If one of you needs to take a step back and relax, step outside for a minute to regroup and come back prepared to resolve the issue at hand.
Lastly, try to commit to speaking more regularly. No, not calling each other every day to hash things out, but a meeting to establish a stable communication routine. You want to create a united front for your child. Involve your ex-partner in big decisions that relate to your child’s health or school. Make the transition as easy as you can. Schedule pick up and drop off times in advance and make sure everyone is on the same page. Prepare your child for their visits with their mother or father–not just mentally, but actually pack their bags. If you’re still in the beginning stages of communicating, swift, in and out meetings might work best. Co-parenting CAN be a successful process if you work together, as a team. Remember: this is ALL about your CHILD!
While the goal of co-parenting is to keep your issues to yourself in order to shield your child from additional emotional harm, don’t forget that they are a member of the family who has a voice. Make sure you create a safe communication space where they feel comfortable to talk to you about their thoughts or concerns. If you notice they are upset about the situation, it is ok to ask them how they are feeling or if they want to talk about it. Always acknowledge their emotions and answer questions–you don’t have to get into too much detail. Follow their lead with questions and make sure your answers are age-appropriate. Remind them that you and their mother or father are working to make sure they are happy.
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As always, if you need more information on how to enforce teamwork in your household, visit www.coachred1.com to schedule a FREE consultation. We will take you through the steps needed to raise happy, healthy, and compassionate children.
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